Finding Home - Joseff
There was a time when home seemed so simple, when I did just about anything I wanted; I played, ate, slept and tried to figure myself out. Mom was the guardian and Dad was around when he wasn’t working, which left me with an infinite amount of time, security and my mother’s affection. I’m not going to lie, it was nice… while it lasted.
I married a year or so after graduation to my high school sweet heart and tried to rebuild that sense of home on our own. It was an imperfect product to say the least. We bought a dog, lived on our own for the first time, figured out household management (poorly on my part), figured out joint finances (also, poorly on my part), and tried to be functioning human beings in a newly adult world and in our own “home”.
In all reality, my life with my ex wife did feel like home to some degree, but in hindsight it probably had more to do with the proximity of family. We weren’t right for each other, we forced ourselves to fit inside of fabricated expectations; of both our environment and each other. We were destined to grow apart.
Several years after our divorce, my parents parted ways as well. Once my marriage ended, home began to fade; and once my parent’s marriage ended, all that remained of this idea of “home” was a shadow.
I decided to embrace the freedom of being abstractly “homeless” by actually becoming physically homeless. I thought; fuck it, I can either feed my already hungry depression or create a new ideology for myself. It was almost as though the kids had left for college and I suddenly had nothing to tie me down to my expectations. I moved to a much larger city, Los Angeles; lived in my car and showered in hostels and the homes of new found friends; no rent, no utilities, no landlord,... you get the point. At the time, and for some time after, it felt completely freeing to be void of a home; I had no responsibilities to anyone but myself; I could live the Bohemian life; I could say things like, “I’d rather live in a card board box and do art than be rich and a capitalist (this is still pretty much what I’m saying but the perspective has changed).”.
I lived this way for several years and then I started to miss something… home. Not the physical place but the deep-inside-feeling-of-warmth-and-security-I-could-die-happy-here-regardless-of-where-here-is kind of home; the kind of home I felt as a child. So, I started a journey. I wanted that back.
Now the thing about “home” is that it doesn’t really show up when you’re looking for it. I spent years trying to understand what it was for me; or what it meant; or how to define it; but none of that worked. You see, for me, home had to just happen and eventually I figured that out… So, I waited… and waited… and waited… A decade rolls by and still I was waiting to find it. Then, one day, walking through a Target Super Store in the City of Chicago, I bump into my ex fiancé from 3 years prior, Samee.
I had never felt so close to finding “home” again as I had felt with her when we were together the first time. So, when it ended, I was devastated. I had waited for that moment for so long and then it just simply vanished. And now, here she was, looking great in her “lazy” clothes and her mullet. It wasn’t that moment that I realized that something had sparked but it wouldn’t take long before we weaseled our way back into each other’s lives and now 5 months later we live together and tell you our stories.
I had lost home, at first because I wanted to; then, because I was looking for it; and ultimately because I didn’t think it was mine to have. The truth, I have discovered, is that home is yours to make. Samee completes me in that way. She’s not exactly home, I don’t want to make her responsible for that; but she fills in all the gaps in my head and strengthens me and provides me with love and security and affection and warmth and sometimes she even lets me be little spoon. And right now, for however long it lasts because nothing is permanent, I am at home in this place, wherever it may be. And I will water these ma fuckin plants!
Just remember, it’s okay to stop looking and just simply find.
Cuz, seriously, look at her, how could I be so lucky?